It took me 6 days, to accept the fact that you won't be coming back to me anymore. Everytime someone reminds me that you're gone, it kinds of hurt a little. But what hurt me the most is that, you are so determined about leaving me, which make me think that what we had been through in the past were nothing. Every morning, i wake up telling myself that i got to get over you. & then somehow along the day, something/someone reminds me of you and i fail all over again. I don't know what to do anymore, i fail trying so hard to get over you, i fail trying so hard to fight for you to come back, such a failure in everything yeah?
Everytime my phone rings, i will run so fast to it, hoping it's you, but it's just another disappointment. I thought i have already stop expecting, but everytime when i see your online, i'm hoping it will turn to typing.. but then i saw the online become nothing, that's when i let my hopes high again.
I miss you every single day, every minutes, every seconds, but it seems like you're totally fine without me, sigh.
Remember i ask you to keep yourself free today? The activity i planned for us?
A long text was send to you yesterday, & i know you won't be shaken no matter what. You left without any reason, and the only reason i can convince myself is that, that right feeling of yours, is gone. & true, you don't owe me any explanation, we ended before we even started. Hopefully, it's able to convince myself to move on. I hope you'll be happier without me, Sorry for not able to fulfill what i said, Sorry that i can't make you any happier. Thank you for going through all that we've been through in the past few months. I know being together with me are tiring, i know fighting my losing battles every single time are exhausting, thank you for staying longer than you should. Like what i said before, you're a dream, a dream that i've to wake up 1 day. So now that i've to wake up and stop dwelling in it, you're the most beautiful thing i could ever dreamt of.
I don't know how many times have i been asking you to stay, but seeing how determined you are, i guess i shall stop. No matter who you get with in the end, remember i'll love you more than any of them.
I miss you so, so so much that you'll never know how torturing it is.
what am i supposed to do? i thought i could just let go of you, of us, so easily, like how you did, but i just can't, you're on my mind, every seconds, every minutes.
Every single day, i woke up disappointed when i didn't see your text.
Every single night, i don't know if i should send you another goodnight text because i find myself so fucking annoying.
"What hurts me the most when you left was knowing that it meant you preferred to take your chances on complete strangers than stay with me another second."
Every single day, i'm hoping that you'll actually come back to me, i hope you know that there's a lot of things we have not done yet and no matter how tough the situation is, i'll never let you go at all.
Last night, i can't help it but to think, how have you been these few days, wondering if you are like me, but then i know, i know you don't care anymore.
I send you another goodnight text again, and i know i won't get a reply. To be honest, i really feel so annoying, and i apologize for that. I know you've probably made yourself clear that things between us won't work out anymore, i'm hopeless, but still hoping. Hoping that there's another one more chance given. I know i always fucked things up, i know i'm never good at expressing my own thoughts, I know i always say the wrong things that make you unhappy. This time round, i admit it's my fault, i said the wrong thing that cause this to happen. But do you remember what you say before? you say you're here, you aren't going anywhere, that you would have try if i never walk away. I never walk away neither did i left, I was here all the way. Why won't you give us another chance, if others can, why can't we? They had bad quarrels, arguments, misunderstanding, but they still give each other another chance to love. Why can't we start all over again? It's you that came into my life, awaken my soul, taught me how to love someone without limits. It's you that taught me how happiness & sadness should be like. Every where i go, it's about you. I see you everywhere. The memories you gave, are so hard to get over with. All i can say is, to let you go, it's impossible. Because i know i still want to love you for the next few days, weeks, months, years, decades, forever & ever. I know i still want to fight for us. I know i still want things between us to work. I know i still want to send you all the sweet texts. I know i still want to wake up seeing your name on my phone. I know i still want to send all the stupid, silly yet sweet lyrics/quotes to you, even if it's just a random "i love you" or "i miss you" I know i still want to bake a lot of brownies for you. I know i still want to learn many many dishes and cook a meal for you. I know i still want to plan a lot a lot a lot of surprises for you. I know i still want to call you mine. You're my happy pills, my moon, my star, my sun, my everything. So what am i supposed to do if you're gone? Give me another chance, will you?
I've been thinking about a lot of things. All the places you promise to go with me. All the occasions we'll spending together. & suddenly, what you say before, hit me all of the sudden. "I believe you don't just give up on the one you love." Why is it that, after all that we've been through together, yet we're just letting go of each other's hand like this? I actually envy those that despite all the quarrels and arguments, despite all the "I hate you & i don't ever want to see you anymore", all the "Things between us have ended and we're never gonna get back together." but they still make it through and get back together in the end. Are we gonna end up like that? Or isit that i really lose you forever? I kept thinking that if i stay and continue fighting, will you actually turn around and look at me? Are we really gonna let go of what we have built up bit by bit just like that? I know it's my fault for feeling insecure, for not having that bit of faith in us. & if time could rewind, i'll never tell you what i feel. You know i'm not good at using words to express my thoughts. & i thought you know all that we've been through together. I'll never let go of your hand so easily again, i thought you knew my love for you. But it were so clearly shown, you gave up, despite the tough times, you chose to leave instead of staying. As much as i don't want to cling on to you or annoy you, I still know clearly that i still wanna keep trying. I want you to know that i'm not giving up this easily, although i know there might be girls around you that is making your days, going out with you etcetc. But i know, no matter how long will you take your time to realise my love for you, I'm still gonna be here, waiting for you be back. I still haven't change my keyboard & home screen photos, I still haven't delete all the photos we took. Still haven't burn all the letters. "Don't give up on the one you love, and even if you have a thousand reasons to walk away, find that one reason that make you stay." & unless i meant nothing to you from the start, then i will choose to give up and stop trying.
You still left afterall, probably i'm not that person you would fight for till the end. As much as i miss you, i won't forget what i promise you, that i won't cling on to you nor pester you anymore. You ought to leave one day you see. One day, you're gonna find someone that understands you, someone that knows clearly what you like or don't like, someone that will have endless conversation with you, someone who knows how to cheer you up, make you smile/laugh. & i apologize i can't be that someone. I know myself well, i don't have the ability to make you happy, i don't understand you, our conversation always end halfway.
Probably you made the right decision, to end these torture between us, so that none of us will suffer anymore. We're not meant to be in the first place, yet it's a miracle that we could make it till now.
My classmates used to bet that we won't make it through three months, and when the third month pass, I rang them up and told them happily, "fuck your we won't make it through third month, WE BREAK THE CURSE BITCHES."
something that i never told you yeah?
This time round, although it still hurts, but thinking it might be a good chance for you to find someone that understands you, knows how to make you smile, i guess, all the heartaches will be worth it.
Although i got a thousands of unwillingness, but if it's for your happiness, no matter how tough it is, i'll let you go.
It's been a tough night, knowing that you won't return anymore. Letters after letters, Trying to make myself cry so i will feel so much better. Questions after questions, it's only the first day, How am i gonna survive for the next few days, weeks, months, years?
The thoughts of not receiving your messages, thoughts of you not answering my calls, thoughts of not going out with you anymore kills me. I'm really afraid of the days without you, it's like i've been revolving around you for the past few months, you're all that i think of, all that matters, but i still lose you in a split of second.
I thought we'll actually make it through all the tests, but it seems like we're weak enough to get through them. I wish i know what to say so i won't fucked things up times over times. It seems like it's always because i use the wrong words to say what i wanna say. Now that it's all too late, nothing i say, could have you anymore, so goodbye my love, 74 days with you have been a great one. I'm sorry for all that i've done, that hurt you, or disappoint you. Sorry that i've fail to abide all my promises. Sorry that i've fail to be the one you want. All the best to you, my precious lesson learnt.
As for now, i'm gonna learn how to appreciate what i've, and i'm gonna be here till you're back. Anytime that you feel like coming back, just turn your head and i'll be here.
